Ode to Billy Jack

I remember one night in the 1970's my papaw was watching me, Joey, and Karen while my mamaw and mom went shopping in Columbus, MS.  Someone let us (made the mistake of letting us) watch a Billy Jack movie.  I'm not sure sure which one it was, though I'm pretty sure it was "The Trial of Billy Jack", but I could be wrong.  Anyway, after the movie, the three of us kids were in the den (not to be confused with the living room, which is where the television was located) and we were JuMpInG oFf couches and the chair and just generally being, who else, Billy Jack.


Well, my papaw heard the ruckus and came to check on us.  I have no doubt that he thought we were actually fighting each other even though he strode into the room very calmly.  About the exact same time he walked into to the den, I was flying off the couch through the air with my arms drawn into my chest, one knee brought upwards towards my arms with the other other leg extended parallel to the floor (a-la BILLY JACK!)  most likely towards Karen or Joey, with the other cheering me on.

Like this, but much better, as only a 6 or 7  year old can do.

My papaw was a VERY calm man.   A man of few words.  That meant that when he spoke, you listened.  Well, he spoke that night.  He told us to stop jumping off the furniture and I'm sure he said something about 'acting a fool' and as he was speaking, my jump was over and I was standing back on the couch looking down, humbled, and nodding my assent.  I have no idea what Karen and Joey were doing at that moment.

But what I do know…

...is that as soon as my papaw turned around to leave I looked around, slung my head back and LAUGHED (it's Billy Jack for goodness sakes!!!  Who the hell is going to tell us to stop that???)  and then I took another flying leap off the couch.  Oops.   Papaw caught me in what must have been mid-air, whooped my butt (before Joey and Karen could even cheer!) and made me, and most likely my brother and sister, cry.   I cried!  Not because it hurt, but because MY PAPAW SPANKED ME!!!!  No, he BEAT MY ASS!

Well, that was a first.  A whooping by papaw?  Damn, dude meant business after all. Ouch! (In more ways than one.)  I had no idea that red and black couch was so precious.  My heart was broken.
So much for play-being the greatest fighter for social injustice of my time, AKA the Bad Ass Billy Jack.

Later I learned, that after my mamaw and mom got home from shopping, they asked my papaw how the night was and he replied, "I had to spank Kathy."  I'm almost certain they both shrugged and thought (or said) "Welcome to our world." and went about their business.

Thanks, Tom Laughin (Billy Jack) for bringing back this memory.  I don't look back on it as a sad or bad memory.  I look back on it with triumph and laughter.  Those were the good ole' days.  Jumping off couches wafter watching the man who stood up for this with no voice, BILLY JACK!!!!    Thanks and God Speed.  And no, I don't recall my papaw ever spanking me again, though he probably should have.

God Speed and Rest In Peace, Tom, AKA Billy.  

A Few of My Favorite Things, Part 1 AKA December Decorations

I love my Christmas Tree.  It's not stuffy or formal.  It's not color coordinated or fit for a Southern Living photo spread. It's a mishmash of the past and the present.  Over the years, I've gone from a live tree to an artificial one; from multi-colored lights to all white.  I have really, really cheap ornaments from the Dollar Tree to more expensive ones given to me as gifts and they all have a place.

As an adult, I started off with the intention of having a Snowman theme for my tree and decorations.  But, I also had ornaments from my childhood and my Grandmother and Mother's trees that I just could not part with, so they stayed.  A few years ago, I thought a Candy theme would be neat, but now, I have some Snowmen ornaments that will never get booted from the tree.  So I decided that, while it would be nice to someday have a tree that was fancy and looked professionally done, right now it is even nicer to have a Christmas Tree that actually means something for me and my children.  (Perhaps if I ever have a home and budget big enough for several trees I can break them down into themes, because that is super cool too.)

So, I'm going to spend this month blogging about a few of my favorite ornaments and decorations and why they are important to me.  Let me start with my newest ornaments:

Because we all want Peace.

My favorite place in Seattle, aside from my son's apartment.

I was just in Seattle for Thanksgiving visiting Zachary.  We always make a trip downtown to Pike Place.  It's just so amazing, not just PP, but Seattle.  When I saw the Pike Place Market ornament (actually purchased at  a mall, not at PPM) I decided that since Zach is only 24 and he might move around a bit in his lifetime, I should start collecting ornaments that represent where he's lived.  First stop: Seattle.  We'll have to see how this collection grows.

 I got the top ornament at a store called Earth Bound.  I loved the beading and sentiment behind it.  It's hipster yet meaningful. Peace. Enough said.

Not Today...

It's October 13 and it's National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day.  I have Metastatic Breast Cancer.  That means I have Stage 4 BC and that my Breast Cancer has spread beyond the breasts and lymph nodes.   We've all heard the statistics: 40,000 women (and men) will die this year from Breast Cancer. And while dealing with any stage of any cancer is overwhelming, I feel compelled to point out that not one single person dies from Stage 1, 2, or even Stage 3, breast cancer. (But be aware,  20% of people initially dx with Stage 1, 2, or 3 BC will eventually develop metastatic BC.) And while awareness is certainly important, what we REALLY need is a cure.  Stage 4 is the killer and there is no cure.  And yes, I may die of something else besides breast cancer, but I've been put on notice that forgoing some tragic accident, breast cancer will, in fact, kill me...BUT that day is not today.

Four and half years ago, I was told that I have a 20% chance of living 5 years.  I'm 6 months short of becoming a statistic and anyone who knows me personally knows that I've always said I am a winner and I will beat the odds.  And look at me now...I certainly am.

But regardless of how it appears on Facebook or how I appear to you on the streets, at a party, in church or just out and about, having Stage 4 Breast Cancer isn't easy.  It's hard on the body, it's hard on the mind and it's hard on the emotions.

Since being diagnosed with Stage 4 BC, I've been on Abraxane and Gemzar, then Arimidex, then back on Abraxane and Gemzar, then Navelbine.  Those are chemos I can't use in the future--and there's only so much available in the arsenal.  Despite my glorious NED (No Evidence of Disease) status, I must stay on my current chemo, Xeloda, indefinitely to keep the cancer at bay. The cancer is still there, it's just either dormant or hiding where the scans can't see it.  Once the cancer gets on the move again, the Xeloda will have failed and I'll be switched to another chemo.  And while I've had chemo breaks in the past, I will get no more.  It's not an option.  (Though I am trying to convince my oncologist to let me take a teeny-tiny break if I can stay NED for 6 months straight so I can have 'the girls' re-done.) Oh, and then there was the radiation to my left hip 11 months ago.

In the past the chemos have caused me to go into depression, to become clinically anorexic (remember when I got down to 116 pounds and it took me 4 hours to eat a Whopper?), and, among other things, to have heartburn, vision issues, deplete the hemoglobin in my RBCs (blood transfusions fix that), as well as cause my WBC to drop so low that, for over a year,  I had to had shots for 4 days after each chemo.  

Today, I  have serious neuropathy in my hands and feet.  That's why I drop things so much (and have gone through 4 iPhones in the past year).  My feet tingle when I walk and it takes a few extra seconds to get out of bed because they hurt.  My joints hurt as well.  So does my lower back.  And the pain left by the radiation in my left hip makes it impossible to sleep on my left side.

Personally, I know of three other women who have stage 4 breast cancer.  I also 'know' many more via a message board specifically for us Meta-sisters.  Three of those 'meta-sisters' died this past week.  A while back, I had to take a break from that group because it was just too sad and depressing.  Too many deaths, too many stories about lack of a good support system and help, too many stories about financial problems associated with little income and the expense of going to the doctor/hospital so much...the list is endless.  I'm still reluctant to visit the site, but I do because sometimes I can help a newly diagnosed woman or man.

A few years ago, back when I still couldn't bring my grown up self to give myself the Neupogen shots 4 times/week,  I read a book titled, "A Measure of Heaven".  It changed my life.  I've always been a believer in God and I'd almost always been certain I was going to heaven despite my sins. (Thanks to my church I am 100% positive that I will go to Heaven despite my shortcomings.) The problem was, I wasn't sure what that meant or how it worked.  I wasn't sure just how real Heaven was. But this book, based on interviews and studies of people who'd had near-death experiences, explained some of that (for me at least).  No one in the book had the exact same experience and some experiences were pleasant and some were scary. The book discusses things like 'the tunnel', the light, communicating telepathically, cessation of pain, being able to look down at yourself and view what was happening, being greeted and choosing or being told to go back, unbelievable and never before seen (or imagined) colors and most important, an overwhelming and all-encompassing love...

Yes, through science and faith, I'm convinced there is a Heaven.  It is real. I don't want to ever have to leave my children, my best friend and sister, my brother, and my family and friends, but I will someday.  And while I fear for them and what will happen after I'm gone, I have absolutely no fear for myself.  I know Heaven is real.  I know I'm going.  I'm going to see my mamaw and papaw; Zachary's father; all of my dogs and cats; and my good friend, Renee, who died much too young. And it's gonna be awesome!!! 

This disease, though considered 'chronic', will in all probability kill me in the end.  But that day is not today. 

Today, I will gaze at the completion of upgrading my kitchen appliances.  Today, I will contribute food to my church's Backpack Ministry.  Today, I will take note that my lot in life could be so much worse.  I'm aware that there are many, many others who are so much worse off than me whether it's physically, financially, or spiritually.  I have an awesome family, great friends, a fantastic church, a career that allows me to work on my own schedule, a roof over my head, and food in my pantry.  My life is good; compared to others, it's actually pretty damn great.

Besides, I have stuff to do! Next weekend, I will go to Tampa for a mini "sistercation."  Then, it's off to Branson for another long weekend and in November it's off to Seattle for Thanksgiving.  I will not be still;  I will not be satisfied; and I will not be beaten.  Yes, yes, it may kill me in the end.  But that, my dear readers, will be my ultimate victory over this nasty disease.  

But not today, not today.  

NED? You Weigh How Much?

This Just In...

As I announced on Facebook yesterday, I have once again been declared NED (No Evidence of Disease) and was told I could stop gaining weight by my oncologist.  What does that really mean?  First, let me tell you that I will not be divulging my current weight.  Second, let me update the timeline of this Cancer "Journey":

April 2007:  Dx with Breast Cancer.  I underwent chemo, a double mastectomy and reconstruction--very poorly done reconstruction.  

March 2009:  Dx with Stage 4 Breast Cancer.  What does THIS mean?  Well, this means that the Breast Cancer spread to distant parts of my body, initially for me it was the liver.  When a cancer metastasizes, you do not develop a new cancer--I now had breast cancer in my liver.  I did not have liver cancer. So, I started a new chemo and was declared NED after 8 months, in November 2010.   I stayed that way for a year.

November 2011: The Breast Cancer was back in my liver and now also in my bones.  I went back on chemo for another 8 months before I was, again, declared NED in August 2012.  However, this time, I was only NED for three months.

November 2012:  The cancer was back in my liver and bones and I started a new chemo regimen, Xeloda.  I also had radiation to my left hip/pelvic bone area.  Now, six months later, I'm NED.

Note:  I do find it very interesting that the chemo I use to treat advanced breast cancer doesn't cause hair loss.  It's weird walking around being and feeling sick, but looking healthy.  I've been asked more than once, how can I be on chemo and still have hair--and yes, they ask it like I'm a liar...

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I still have cancer.  I always will.  The cancer cells are just dormant for now.  (That's the Good.)  With that in mind, I've decided to continue the Xeloda regardless of my current status.  I figure that since I'm tolerating the treatment as well as I am, it will help keep those pesky cancer cells dormant as opposed to stopping treatment and the cells waking up sooner.  Also, there is a spot on one of my ribs, but it may or may not be anything so we'll continue to monitor that.  Oh, and the chemo (or maybe the influx of fatty foods and cigarettes) is also starting to effect my heart, so I need to make some adjustments to help prevent possible heart disease.  (That's the Bad.)

Now, about my weight...

In the Spring of 2012, I became very, very depressed.  I stopped eating and I slept, a LOT!  Finally, on my own accord, I went to a therapist and then a psychiatrist who put me on a new anti-depressant.  Well, that doctor was cruel.  Just mean I tell you.  Why?  Because I made it clear that I had Stage 4 cancer and was happy to finally have hair again and not look sick.  So what did he do?  Aside from listening to me for all of 42 seconds, he put me on an anti-depressant that had a side effect of HAIR LOSS!  HAIR LOSS!!!  REALLY??  Really.  Four days after starting the new prescription, I started losing hair in the shower.  I Googled the new med, found out about the side effects and promptly threw that bottle of pills into the trash.  Bastard.  (He's the Ugly.)

I met with my oncologist, broke down in tears like he'd never seen from me before, and he put me on new anti-depressant as well as Marinol (to stimulate my appetite.  Heh, heh.)  I was down to 116 pounds.  He told to me to eat whatever I wanted: fried food; chocolate; anything with calories.   I promised to start eating and began my quest to eat a Whopper each day.  The first day it took me 4 hours to finish one burger.  After a few weeks I started feeling better.  As my weight came up,  my onc was pleased.  Me, not so much.

I've continued to gain weight over the year and yesterday, I was shocked at finding out I had put on yet another 5 pounds during the past 4 weeks.  I asked him if he was happy enough with my "progress" that I could stop gaining weight and he agreed.  He also told me not to lose any weight.  Fine. 

And that's the short version.  I'll continue to have good days and bad days.  I'm going to join a gym and start walking again to build up muscle mass I've lost over the past few years.  I'm going to eat better, but not deprive myself.   I'm going to keep on keepin' on.  That's just how I roll.

Buh Bye, Walgreens!!!

So, here's the scoop...

I have prescriptions that I have refilled at Walgreens (hereinafter referred to as "WG") every month: my generic synthroid, my heartburn medication and my anti-depressant.  Occasionally, I'll have to have an anti-biotic filled and even recently got an Rx for ClaritanD, which my onc sent to them right there while I was watching him in the exam room.  I leave the big time stuff: Xeloda, Neupogen and Marinol, up to the real pharmacy at UAMS.

I never received a notification from WG regarding the ClaritanD being ready.  A couple of weeks go by and I never go pick up that Rx.  Allergies are the least of my health issues...persistent heartburn is a MUCH issue to me.  The time rolls around and, as I do each month, I use my smartphone to scan in and send my Rx refills and it gets received by WG.  Then:  Nothing.  Finally 3 days later, I get a call that my Rx is ready for pick up.  YAY for me!!!  I had just taken my last heartburn pill, and here's where it gets REALLY frustrating...

I drop off Christian at school yesterday and go by WG at 8:23am.  The pharmacy is closed.  At least the drive thru is.  Well, (and here's a secret about me) I don't brush my teeth before taking him to school.  I mean, what's the point?  I'm just going to come home, drink coffee, then shower and brush my teeth.  I don't have to actually TALK to anyone (although as I write this, I realize why I probably no longer get kisses from Christian in the morning.  Not really, I still get kisses: if I request them.)  And as for that cop that pulled me over the other day---well, he got what he deserved.  So, I ain't driving around, parking, and actually going into WG to get my meds, I figure I'll just come back later...though I was irritated that they weren't open.

So, last night, it's back to WG at about 7:40-7:45.  I sit in the drive thru line for 15 minutes while TWO people get served before me...TWO!!!  Unreal.  The lady in line in front of me was able to smoke an entire cigarette while she waited.  I even turned off my car so WG wouldn't force me to unnecessarily increase my carbon footprint.

Then, it's finally my turn.  Yay for me again (and Christian, who was way more patient than I at this point)!!!  I promptly send her my debit card to speed up the process.  She speaks.  I give her my name and she tells me to hang on (like I wasn't already doing that).  She comes back to tell me she, um,  has ONE prescription ready, ONE!!!  It's the generic synthroid.  I tell her I'm supposed to have at least two ready.  She 'ummmms' again and I wait.  She comes back to inform me that they are working on my heart burn med.  At this point she asks me to pull around.  And here's how this goes down:

WG Employee (hereinafter referred to as "WGE"):  We are working on the Omeprazole, if you could just pull ar--

Me:  No.  That's not happening.  Just give me what you have ready and I'll be back tomorrow to pick up the other.

WGE:  Um...ok...hold on...

ME:  What time does your pharmacy drive thru open anyway?

WGE...**asks another employee their hours of operation**  We open at 8am.

ME:  Well, I was here at 8:23 this morning and you weren't open. So maybe you need call who ever opens tomorrow morning and remind them of that.  I'll be back at 8:10am.

WGE:  Ummmm.....ok.....what's your address?

Me:  I'm not giving you my address where other people can hear where I live.  (Plus, they never have it correct anyway---I've been told numerous time they had updated it, but apparently whoever makes their system software is an idiot or, quite possibly, high, or quite possibly, and overpaid prankster.)

WGE:  What is your birthday?

I give her that info, I get my med and I shake heads with the guy in the lane across from me (again)...and I leave.

Sometimes, I go inside Walgreens to pick up my Rxs and what WG must not understand is that the pharmacy is the core of their business and when they lose that customer they also lose the sale of the ever important 'impulse buy'...the sodas, the new eye shadow, or candy bar.  Over time that stuff adds up.  Also, if I'm not going there to get my prescription refills, I'm also not stopping in for that single item I need either--the toilet paper, the birthday card, ext...instead, I'll be doing that at my new pharmacy.

But what do they care?  They don't.  That's how the customer service got so bad to begin with.  I use the WG located on Hwy. 5 in Bryant.  This didn't all start last night...it ended.  Another problem I have with that WG is one guy who works behind the counter and who, EVERY time, looks frazzled and overworked....even if the pharmacy is desolate.  He comes across as put out, by this (former) customer at least, by wiping non-existent sweat from his brow and sighing and sighing and sighing.  Several times they have either not notified my meds were ready only to have put them back on the shelf when I finally go in of my own accord or they do send me a notification and my meds aren't actually ready.  I call bullshit on that.

There you have it.  Good riddance, Walgreens.

Three Cheese Pimento Cheese!!

A few things are truly Southern:  fried chicken, deviled eggs and Pah-Men-Toe Cheeze to name a few.  I don't even like Pimento Cheese, Carolina Caviar, PC, or whatever you call it, just don't call it store bought! Well, I didn't like it until I tried the Pimento Cheese at Little Rock's Capital Bar and Grill.  It is truly divine!

CBG Pimento Cheese

And yes, those soda crackers are made in-house as well! It's the best $7 you'll spend in the River Market.  I've tried at various times to re-create it, but I can't.  Their's has a kick to it that I can't quite put my finger on yet.  Rumor has it that theirs has a splash of pickle juice in it...

So, I did what I usually do, and I scoured the internet and a few cookbooks and came up with my own recipe (again).  Tonight though, I suspected I was on to something so I actually kept track of what I was doing.  For you I present:

Kat's Three Cheese Pimento Cheese

4 oz. cream cheese, softened to room temp
1/4 cup Hellman's mayo
4 oz. shredded Sharp Cheddar cheese
4 oz. shredded Monterrey Jack cheese
1 tsp Hungarian paprika
1 tsp chili powder
2 Tbsp. roasted peppers

With a hand mixer whip the cream cheese and mayo until creamy.  Add the remaining ingredients and fold in until thoroughly mixed.  Let chill for 2 hours, or even better, overnight.  Serve with bread crisps, celery, or your fixins of choice.  It really is this easy.

This is also fantastic made into a grilled cheese sandwich or added to a grilled burger, as the Capital Bar and Grill well knows because those are also on their menu.

Here are the REAL tricks----you have to actually grate your own cheese at home.  DO NOT, under any circumstances, buy and use pre-shredded cheese.  You won't get the correct texture and that store bought stuff has some coating all over it that will contaminate the recipe and make it disastrous, of this I am certain (and no, I would never even think of trying this at home.)

You can certainly tweak this--add a dash of Worcestershire Sauce or perhaps some green olives (I'll do that next time), but please don't desecrate this by using pre-shredded cheese.  And use SHARP cheddar cheese.  You could even use all cheddar cheese and nix the MJ cheese.  Some folks will tell you to add grated onion, but anyone who knows me, knows that I would NEVER, EVER recommend this.

Get creative and post your adjustments/comments below.  But most importantly---enjoy the savory taste of fresh home made Pah-Men-Toe Cheeze any time you wish!

Until next time, ENJOY LIFE, LOVE, and FOOD!